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Life Post Divorce: Future Wrought with Uncertainties? |
Research suggests that usually couples with children experience shock and betrayal by the news of divorce. Research further claims that couples with children get so involved in the child's activities that they slowly begin to lose touch with their own. And when one of the spouses breaks the news of divorce, it comes as an unpleasant shock.
There are two schools of thought on the issue of knowing and preparing for divorce before it actually happens.
Behavioural-Cognitive School: This school of thought states that usually uncontested divorces are the ones where the spouse expects the divorce news. This is because the divorce or legal separation is mutual. Neither spouse has any grievances. He/ she is open about the divorce process and the post-divorce period. There is no point in being secretive about post divorce plans. Usually the couple parts as friends. This means that they already have plans for their single future.
They are prepared for their future life. These individuals do not require professional counselling or therapy to come to terms with their emotional reactions. Generally, these couples go in for divorce the DIY way or online. Either way they do away with legal advice. Financial settlements are mutually agreed upon and there are no surprises. The couple knows what to expect after the future. They are prepared for it cognitively, emotionally, financially and socially. The presence of children however changes the equation. The financial preparation of life after divorce needs to be carefully considered. But again, the question of fairness and convenience dominated uncontested divorces. Everything is decided through mutual consent. In fact, the couple discusses the question of divorce, preparing themselves for life post divorce. Research by social psychologists indicates that couples in such cases help each other to deal with life post divorce.
But, there ought to be no negativity involved. The individual knew it was coming, talked about it and then divorced. Thus, divorce is such cases are not about going into the unknown after escaping the known evil. Uncontested divorces are often perceived as a mutual parting of ways to achieve something more beneficial and profitable for the individual. Uncontested divorces aim to bring happiness, peace of mind and prosperity. It is leaping into the dark uncertain future. It is stepping into a known secure future clasping all the reins in your hand firmly.
Social Cognitive School: This popular modern school of thought became popular in the 1980s. It holds that people fighting contested divorces have to prepare for life after divorce. Usually these people have children. They are so wrapped up in the child's life that they do not read the signs and signals of marital unhappiness and unfulfillment. Thus, the divorce is often not seen coming. It comes as a great unpleasant shock. Such individuals need professional therapy and counselling to deal with divorce. They also need to professionally see behavioural counsellors who can advise and guide them through divorce and life post divorce. Behavioural therapists suggest a few pointers in this regard:
- Always be attentive to your partner to know his/ her moods and feelings
- Try to engage in joint activities with a spouse
- Keep an open and frank channel of communication which is two way and direct -- encourage the spouses to talk openly about their expectations and needs
- Have separate bank accounts
- Separate your debt and loan accounts
- Transfer the matrimonial home in your name
- Start working; start being financially independent
- Build and develop a strong social network
- Strengthen rapport with your children
- Visit a marriage counsellor and try to salvage your marriage
Social psychologists suggest that if these following steps are undertaken, post divorce will be a tough period financially and emotionally but not unbearable. They argue that an effort should be made to save the marriage. Marriage counselling has to be broached. But, if it fails, then the individual has to brace herself/himself for the inevitable.
Divorce does not have to a leap in the dark. An individual can consult a legal advisor if he/she senses that all is not well in the marriage. Perhaps the spouse is working long hours too often and keeping away from the family, even on Sundays. Maybe he doesn’t attend any of the children's birthday parties, school functions and events. Nor is he present at family social outings or gatherings anymore. When such things begin to happen, alarm bells should ring. The individual needs to consult a professional legal advisor and begin securing her own future post divorce.
James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie <a href="http://www.quickie-divorce.com">Divorce</a> see http://www.quickie-divorce.com
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